I was 100% convinced I couldn't do it.
Giving up caffeine was something that I have wanted to do for a really long time-- since I was a sophomore in college. I was realistic enough to know that in college I wouldn't be able to give it up, at least not completely, while I was working 20 hours a week, taking the maximum amount of credits per semester, practicing for a senior recital and pulling all nighters to try to pass the hardest classes for my major. But I swore that when I graduated I would give it up. But there was always something-- I had to work at the phone bank (the pit of hell) and do anything I could to make life bearable. Then I had a new job and I had to make sure I was feeling well so I could perform well. And then it was because I either had too much or not enough to do at my job and I had to try to stay awake. There was always some excuse.
But I was so tired of being so entirely dependent on caffeine. It was unhealthy, I was consuming an incredibly high amount of calories every day, my dentist could see the impact on my teeth every time I went in, and it was expensive-- Brian and I would buy about three 12 packs of soda every two weeks, when we barely had money for anything else. When I was in college, I was drinking about 6 cups a day and continued to drink a similar amount until recently. Even the people I talked to who didn't have a problem with caffeine admitted that was pretty bad.
Part of the reason this habit lasted so long was because I didn't feel like I was "ready" to deal with the repercussions. Trying to give up when you are drinking 6 cups a day would either result in an entire brutal withdrawal period or would become an extremely long process. Even reducing the amount I was drinking by a cup or two would result in me feeling sick the ENTIRE day and sometimes through the night into the next day. It was really hard to convince myself to do it.
But I was able to reduce the amount I drank each day steadily over time. A few months ago, I was able to reduce it to 3-4 cups a day, which was incredible in itself. But I was determined to give it up completely, even if it meant being miserable. To seal the deal, I put it on my bucket list. Then I had to do it. But I legitimately worried about it every time I looked at my list. Because I thought it would be completely embarrassing to complete everything on the list besides that-- the thing that required the most willpower.
I began decreasing the amount I drank even further after I wrote the bucket list. I tried to drink water at work and limit myself to 2 cups a day. And then one. Finally, in September I tried to give it up completely.
This lasted about two days.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was not fully researching what I would be giving up. On August 31st, I printed out a list of all the things that have caffeine in it. And the list was about four times as long as I was expecting. Chai tea had caffeine in it, hot chocolate had caffeine in it. In fact, any kind of chocolate had caffeine in it. Painkillers had caffeine in them. Even DECAF coffee and tea had caffeine in them. I was prepared to give up pop and coffee, but I was not prepared to give up so much else. And I found all of this out the day before I started.
These two days without caffeine were two of the most miserable days of my life. I had a headache, I was sore, I was shaky, I couldn't concentrate, and I was so incredibly crabby. I was not only upset that I felt sick, but that I was giving up my morning chai tea at work, my afternoon can of pop. Brian was obviously not happy that I was so crabby-- he didn't want me to do it in the first place, since he was not planning to give it up with me. We went to Taco Bell the second day, and as I was feeling miserable, he bought himself a coke and drank it right in front of me. I couldn't handle it. And he told me that if every day this month was like the last two days, we would have a hard time dating. It was a joke, but he was half serious. And then he put the coke in my hand and told me to drink. And I did.
I waited an entire month drinking caffeine the way I had before. I didn't want to have to deal with what I had dealt with in September at all. I didn't even try to cut back, I didn't even think about it. But the whole time I felt like I had absolutely no willpower, like I was a failure. And like I said before, I worried that this would be the only thing on the bucket list I wouldn't be able to do and how embarrassing that would be.
So, finally, I decided I was going to try again. But I realized one thing that I was going to do differently. Because in September I was giving up TWO things. I was giving up a chemical dependency, but I was also giving up my daily routine. I decided I was going to find substitutes for the things I was going to give up, even if they weren't healthy. After I wasn't chemically dependent, I would find healthy substitutes for the caffeine substitutes.
So in November, I stocked up on Sprite, juice, egg nog, Crush, apple cider, hot water and lemon, and beer. Things that I actually enjoyed, whether they were healthy or not, that didn't have caffeine. And that made it a little easier. I also researched what I would be "going through" a little more, and found out that withdrawal symptoms typically only last a week. So this time I knew that I wouldn't be going through unending pain and suffering for an entire month. There was an end in sight.
The withdrawal symptoms were not any better in November than they were in September. In fact, I think they were worse. I looked up a website that listed a lot of the most common withdrawal symptoms and I had 9 out of 10-- to the extreme: headache, sleepiness, irritability, lethargy, depression, muscle pain, lack of concentration, insomnia, sinus problems. But I took it easy at work, I asked for plenty of time off, I made sure I got enough sleep at night, I took ibuprofen, I drank water, and I prepared myself to feel sick for about a week. Luckily, I was only sick for four days and on Friday (the fifth day) I felt awesome. It was exhilarating because I realized the worst was over and I knew I could do it.
During the rest of the month, I continued to substitute caffeinated drinks with things that I enjoyed, whether they were healthy or not. It's what got me through the day. The first couple weeks I still craved caffeine and felt like I needed it. I was very careful not to ever stay up late or do things I thought might give me a headache. But a couple weeks in, I was bold enough to attempt to work 20 hours of overtime-- and I survived it! A week or so before December, I began substituting my sprite with sparkling water (with no added flavoring or sugar)-- which is much healthier than soda and actually cheaper. And by the end I not only felt like I didn't need caffeine, I felt like I felt better without caffeine.
This was so surprising to me. I figured that I would be so happy to start drinking caffeine again in December-- that I would be craving it. I was just hoping that I could reduce it and not be dependent on it. But not only did I prove that I COULD give up caffeine, I stopped wanting it. I did promise myself that I would buy myself a holiday cup of coffee when I was done-- it wasn't helpful to read so many of my friends post what they were getting from Starbucks on Facebook.... :) But even on December 1st-- the first day I could drink caffeine-- I still drank water at work and asked for half decaf coffee when I ordered my egg nog latte. It turned out so much better than I expected-- not only was I able to give up caffeine, I feel like I was able to make healthy lasting changes to my life.
It's only been a couple days, so we'll have to see how it goes from now. But for now, I feel incredibly accomplished-- like I just ran a marathon. And hopefully I can continue to make healthy changes that I will continue for the rest of my life. I have no doubt I can do it.
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